between the sky
and the spin of the earth
this falling leaf
(I'm unsure about the haiku "properness" of this type of phrasing?)
posted by laryalee at Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
between the sky
and the spin of the earth
this falling leaf
(I'm unsure about the haiku "properness" of this type of phrasing?)
7 Comments:
the trouble with talking about haiku "properness" is that there are no absolute absolutes about it and some people accuse other folk of being the "haiku police" -- but I hope there'll be none of that here.
my immediate problem with this ku [from an aesthetic persepective] is the presence of three definite articles.
You could change it to
between the sky
and earth's spin
this falling leaf
to get rid of the three definite articles, if you'd like. But Lary, I love this haiku. In fact, I drew something like this the other day, and in drawing it, this was what I was wanting to show. Your words convey it much better though.:)
Thanks, Gerald...
I'm glad the dreaded HP won't be
hovering here!
Also glad you mentioned the articles...I guess they do stand out.
Hi Aurora,
I'm delighted you like this...
and your revision idea is good.
I also thought of:
between the sky
and this spinning earth
a falling leaf
But two "ing" words...oh my!
What a difference those small words
can make...and what a pain they can
sometimes be!
:-)
Lary
I love the specificity of *this* falling leaf -- a particular pulled from the many.
but
this earth?
in a scifaiku where there might be other aliens worlds around then maybe but here i would think not
i like this haiku, larry!
as ever your words are magik and now I have to learn about articles...lol and I just got my spelling right I love the idea of this falling leaf between sky and earth suspended in time
aloha
shanna
Thanks, Gerald...
okay, I'll plan to keep "this" leaf!
Hi Polona...
thanks very much!
Hey Shanna!
Good to see you here...
glad you enjoyed this!
:-)
Lary
Post a Comment
<< Home